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Ever left a family gathering feeling emotionally depleted? Or had a friend push you to do something you didn't want to? Yeah, we've all been there. We love our people, but sometimes they just don't get it. And if we don't set limits, we end up feeling exhausted and resentful. Last article, we explored four key questions to help you assess the strength of your boundaries. This week, we’re shifting gears to focus on four essential boundaries you should put in place to protect your energy, relationships, and overall well-being. Now I know, you might think setting boundaries is mean, but it's not. It's about letting people in without letting them walk all over you. Setting clear boundaries actually makes your relationships better, and helps you feel better too. So, beyond the self-reflection of those four questions from last week's article, what concrete steps can we take starting now?
Don't become the family's personal bank
I'm a Capricorn so it is little wonder I started here. Listen, there are few things that I play about and my money is definitely towards the top of that list. Money can really complicate things with family and friends. The moment you get that quote unquote, "Fancy degree." The moment you start that "little business of yours." The moment your book sells out or your music career hits a new plateau, you unfortunately become a double target. You are the target of snarky, backhanded compliments and the target of becoming the "because we're cool" ATM. People often assume that because you're close, you'll lend them money or pick up the tab. I'm all for helping out, but it's important to set boundaries. I learned this the hard way after graduating with my degree and getting those first few dividend checks from my investments. All of a sudden, "Can I borrow until," became a regular phrase I heard and I still haven't gotten that money back. It made for some very awkward situations, and eventually those people fizzled out of my life rather than owning up to the fact that they owe me. Now, I don't lend money at all. Ever. If I give money, it is truly a gift and I think no more of it. Don't be like me. Be better than me. Identify what your limits are and stick to them.
Don't go there
"That awkward cringe – we all know it. It's when someone, often a relative or friend, dives into topics that feel deeply personal. There are two that come to mind for me. The one involved me having to sternly assert with my mother that discussions about my weight gain were off limits. Asserting this boundary was hard because I grew up in a culture in which you did not, "Talk back to your mama." And any amount of explaining your side of the story or situation was considered "talking back." Assertively educating my mother that these types of discussions ae why so many women and girls have self-image issues or even go on to have eating disorders and that to protect my mental well-being, we were not going there. The other area of course was my decision to not have kids. The main criticism coming from a few of my older great aunts and guys I have dated. I've heard or been told it all from, "you're going to grow to regret that decision" or "who is going to take care of you when you get old?" or "That's really selfish. " or my personal favorite, "You're going to end up a miserable old cat lady." Listen to me. Do not allow yourself to get cornered. If a conversation becomes too personal, change the subject or politely end it. Prioritizing your comfort isn't rude, it's essential.
Respect your personal limits
We all have had that one person in our lives that only calls upon us when they need something or need to complain. Other than this, you never hear from them. You see them partying, enjoying life with other people, your invite never included. However, as soon as the good times slow, it won't be long before your phone rings or dings with a notification from them. Yet if you were to ever call them needing support, within 5 minutes they have to run and will call your right back. Of course they never do. If you recognize this scenario, then you my friend need to seriously consider implementing emotional boundaries. You're not a 24/7 emotional sponge. It's okay to support people, but as Brené Brown says, you have to love yourself enough to set limits. Saying 'I can't handle this right now' isn't abandonment. It's self-care, which ultimately makes you a better support system for others.
Protect your down time
Speaking of emotional boundaries, how about time boundaries. Time is our most precious commodity. There is nothing more valuable than it, not even money. Money you can get back once it's lost. Time, once lost, can never be gotten back. We're all juggling so much, right? Work, side hustles, trying to stay healthy, and maybe squeeze in some fun. Just because you own your own business and technically don't have a boss to answer to, or just because you work from home, the people close to us often don't see the full picture and assume we have endless time. Just because you are free doesn't mean you are free for others to determine or monopolize how your downtime is spent. Don't let them hit you with that, "You ain't doing nothing anyway." Listen closely my friends--staying home, in bed, in your jammies, watching 90's reruns, is very much you having something important to do.
"Let's be clear: boundaries aren't about shutting people out. They're about making sure you're getting the right kind of interaction, in a way that keeps you happy and healthy. Without them, you can easily get lost in everyone else's needs. Learning to set boundaries changed everything for me. My relationships got better, and I felt so much less resentful. So, if you're worried about hurting feelings, just know that setting boundaries is okay. Don't feel guilty, don't apologize, just be kind and firm. You'll see a real difference. But what do you think? Do you have any other boundaries that you'd add to this list? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. And please remember that wherever you are on this wellness journey, do not worry about getting it perfect; just get it going. Until next time. Happy reading!
Speaking of boundaries, make it your personal financial boundary to yourself to no longer rely on one income source....
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