#StressManagement #SelfCare #SelfNurturing #Wellness #EmotionalWellness #Balance #EmotionalWellbeing #InnerParts #SelfDiscovery #SelfLeadership #SelfLedTransformationCoaching
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Last article we discussed Nichelle who dreamed of being a motivational content creator, offering uplifting words on TikTok and YouTube. Though Sundays were meant for research, procrastination consistently derailed her. A desk-clearing attempt turned into a marathon, a quick jog into a longer one, and a simple snack into a half-hour meal prep session. Nichelle's experience is the classic example of knowing exactly what you need to do, but another part taking over and blocking you from doing it. Over the last few articles, I have extended the invitation to you to begin your Self Led Transformation sessions, even outlining what the benefit is for you. Maybe you are not yet sold on the benefit because procrastination is not a struggle for you. I get that and I am here to share that inner conflicts don’t just show up in productivity. They shape our decisions, create internal resistance, and sometimes leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves. In today’s article, we’ll examine seven common phrases in your self-talk that may signal it’s time to embark on your own Self-Led Transformation journey.
"I'm Just Unlucky"
When a part of us says, "I'm just unlucky," it often stems from a wounded inner part that has experienced disappointment, rejection, or failure. This belief keeps us in a victim mindset, reinforcing the idea that we are powerless. Rather than allowing this belief to dominate, we can turn the reigns over to Self, our core inner leader who can assist and empower this part of us with in identifying the things and events that are within our power.
"It's Not Fair"
To many of us, fairness is an important, reasonable value. The protector part that says, "It's not fair" often wants to shield us from the pain of injustice. However, being stuck in this mindset can lead to resentment and powerlessness. Trying to push this thought away, common to many therapy and coaching "Thought Stopping Techniques," will not bring about last change. Instead of trying to push this thought away, we can engage with the part that holds it. When we shift from resistance to self-leadership, we can work toward solutions rather than staying in suffering.
"I Should Be..."
The "I should be..." voice often belongs to a critical part that tries to keep us on track but does so by imposing rigid expectations. This part might have developed in response to past external pressures—parents, teachers, society—and believes that without harsh standards, we will fail. When we release the "shoulds," we make space for authentic growth rather than pressure-fueled striving.
"No One Understands Me"
A part that believes "No one understands me" may be carrying deep loneliness or past wounds from feeling unseen or unheard. What we would expect to see here is, quick to anger or quick to use sarcasm, avoidance of openness, avoidance of sharing personal feelings, superficial conversations, or withdrawal from social interactions with others altogether. This part longs for connection but also might be protecting us from vulnerability by keeping us isolated. When we lead from Self, we recognize that connection is possible, even if it requires taking small steps toward openness.
"Everything Always Goes Wrong"
This phrase is often the voice of a catastrophizing part—one that anticipates failure to prepare for disappointment. This part is often rooted in past experiences of disappointment or trauma, operates from a place of fear. It believes that if you expect things to go wrong, you'll be less devastated when they inevitably do. This protective mechanism, while well-intentioned, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as it shapes your perception and influences your actions. This can lead to passivity and a reluctance to take risks or pursue goals. Additionally, it's constant hypervigilance to potential threats results in filtering out positive experiences.
"I'm Not Good Enough"
This part is rooted in low self-esteem and often compares you unfavorably to others. This exile carries feelings of inadequacy and might whisper (or shout), "I'm not good enough." This part likely formed in response to criticism, comparison, or past failures. It is quick to point out flaws and mistakes. It might use language that is cruel and demeaning, saying things you would never say to someone else. It might replay past mistakes or failures, reinforcing feelings of shame and inadequacy. Rather than letting this belief take hold, we can offer this part reassurance by leaning into Self energy.
"I'll Be Happy When..."
While ambition can be valuable, with this mindset, the goalpost keeps shifting. This mindset keeps us from experiencing joy in the present. The "I'll be happy when..." thought comes from a striving part, one that believes fulfillment is always just beyond reach. Once you achieve the initial target (e.g., getting a promotion, buying a house, losing weight), the "Striving" part quickly identifies a new condition for happiness, creating an endless cycle of striving without ever arriving at contentment. It teaches you that you can't be happy now, in this moment, but only when certain conditions are met. You can't celebrate the abundance you already have because this part is constantly focusing on lack. Expectations become more and more unrealistic.
Transforming the Narrative
From an IFS perspective, these seemingly negative phrases aren't just thoughts to discard; they're valuable messages from parts of ourselves longing for care, understanding, and skillful leadership. Approaching these parts from Self fosters an internal environment of acceptance and validation. True happiness isn't about suppressing difficult emotions or forcing positivity; it's about cultivating awareness of our inner world and guiding our parts toward greater balance and harmony. This shift in language facilitates not only a transformation in mindset but also a deeper connection to our own Self, empowering us to lead from a place of wisdom and compassion. Please remember that wherever you are on this wellness journey, do not worry about getting it perfect; just get it going. Until next time. Happy reading!
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"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." ~Carl Rogers
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